Very funny recent tweets I’ve read
"I realize I have way too many "Hoarders" DVDs filling up my house but I'm
just not ready to give them up yet." - John Fugelsang
Diffee "It's tough to watch the debates among candidates of the Customer Party,
because, man - they are always right." - Drew Dernavich "It gets worse for Greece--among all of the original Greek Gods, the only
one still alive today is Osteoporosis." - Drew Dernavich "Our lunch bill came to $32.53. We told waitress to split it evenly, so she
rounded it down to $30.00. Who says the USA is bad at math?" - Drew
Dernavich "Most Mondays, I can't function unless I've had a good 7 to 8 hours of
coffee." - Drew Dernavich "The good thing about rain is it helps wipe away all of the blood from
wounds you get from people who don't know how to use an umbrella."- Drew
Dernavich ""You don’t have enough irons in the fire." –lazy blacksmith’s wife" -
Matthew Diffee "Wall Streeters aren't alone. Homeless people have been occupying public
library bathrooms for years as a protest against literacy." - Drew
Dernavich "We should hire illegal immigrants to cut the budget since it's a job no
Americans want to do." - Borowitz Report "I enjoy a lucrative career as a "before" photo model for fitness center
print ads." - John Fugelsang “You know you fly too much when you grab the airplane magazine to do the
crossword and recognize your own handwriting.” – John Fugelsang "Do you think Adam Sandler and Tyler Perry will ever collaborate on not
making a movie?" - Drew Dernavich "I once spent a whole day at Jacksonville's Mayo Clinic trying to find one
sandwich without Mayo." - John Fugelsang "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over..." - PIT
Airport